Hey to everyone who's reading this. This isn't going to be the most upbeat post. Not even beauty related...just feeling a lot of emotions I wanted to write about to help get off my chest. If you read my last post, you know that the past few weeks have been really stressful for me. I recently got done with my research report and have been focusing on finalizing my residency list, which has got me extremely emotional and upset.
There's so many things going on in my mind right now. First, let's talk about my #1 choice at the moment -- Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. If you had asked me in December, I would've said that this was maybe somewhere in the middle of my list. It's my home program and one that I've been affiliated with since my high school days when I was a volunteer. I really wanted to do my residency in a new city since it would be a "fresh start" and a way for me to experience a new city and living on my own. Well, since I've been working in the PICU for the past three weeks, I've become extremely nostalgic and remembered why I love this program so much. It's home for me, and it's really hard to leave a place that's been a part of your life since you were a teenager. Not to mention that I grew up in Pittsburgh and all of my friends and family are here. As much as I want to move to a new city, leaving Pittsburgh is going to be extremely hard and I'm not sure I want to. I really love this city and this program, but my chances of matching here are very, very slim. It's a Top 10 program and my grades and board scores are below average compared to the candidates they interview. I'm pretty sure I'm ranked quite low on their list and it's going to be a miracle if I end up matching here. Hah, I think even my interviewers found it a waste of time to interview me...at least that's the impression I got.
So Pitt is my #1, then what? I continue to struggle with determining the programs I want to rank #2-5 since there's a very high chance that I'm going to end up dropping that low on my rank list (if not lower). That leads me to my second point -- my embarrassing as fuck trip to New York last week. I think Cohen Children's is going to be my #2 choice, but my second look was a huge nightmare. The program director was surprised that I came and the definitely did not seem excited to see me again, whereas he was joking around and laughing with the other candidates who came for a second look. To make things worse, I could hear him telling the other girl how happy he was that she came for a second look and what a great candidate she was. I felt incredibly humiliated, embarrassed, and stupid for making the 450-mile trip to New York. So I don't think my chances of matching there are very high either, although I'm going to keep them as my #2 choice despite that.
As for my #3 choice, I'm still struggling. I'm torn between Penn State Hershey vs. a smaller community program in Fairfax. Hershey is the better program of the two, but Fairfax is in a much better location and I have a couple friends who live in DC. Whereas I know nobody in Hershey and there's not much to do there besides the chocolate factory. So that leaves me with having to decide between program quality vs. location, which is a very very tough decision.
The prospect of having to leave Pittsburgh, where I've lived for the past almost 20 years, really breaks my heart and I wish I could go back in time and fix my mistakes to make myself a stronger candidate. But everything happens for a reason and whatever happens is part of God's plan. I'm not going to beg God to match me into any particular program. I'm going to be rational and make my list based on my choices, and the rest is up to fate. If I'm meant to stay here, I will. If I'm meant to go somewhere new, then that's what God has in store for me. I have less than a week to decide where exactly I want to go. All I hope is that God gives me the courage and strength to make the right decision and accept that I might have to leave my comfort zone.
There's so many things going on in my mind right now. First, let's talk about my #1 choice at the moment -- Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. If you had asked me in December, I would've said that this was maybe somewhere in the middle of my list. It's my home program and one that I've been affiliated with since my high school days when I was a volunteer. I really wanted to do my residency in a new city since it would be a "fresh start" and a way for me to experience a new city and living on my own. Well, since I've been working in the PICU for the past three weeks, I've become extremely nostalgic and remembered why I love this program so much. It's home for me, and it's really hard to leave a place that's been a part of your life since you were a teenager. Not to mention that I grew up in Pittsburgh and all of my friends and family are here. As much as I want to move to a new city, leaving Pittsburgh is going to be extremely hard and I'm not sure I want to. I really love this city and this program, but my chances of matching here are very, very slim. It's a Top 10 program and my grades and board scores are below average compared to the candidates they interview. I'm pretty sure I'm ranked quite low on their list and it's going to be a miracle if I end up matching here. Hah, I think even my interviewers found it a waste of time to interview me...at least that's the impression I got.
So Pitt is my #1, then what? I continue to struggle with determining the programs I want to rank #2-5 since there's a very high chance that I'm going to end up dropping that low on my rank list (if not lower). That leads me to my second point -- my embarrassing as fuck trip to New York last week. I think Cohen Children's is going to be my #2 choice, but my second look was a huge nightmare. The program director was surprised that I came and the definitely did not seem excited to see me again, whereas he was joking around and laughing with the other candidates who came for a second look. To make things worse, I could hear him telling the other girl how happy he was that she came for a second look and what a great candidate she was. I felt incredibly humiliated, embarrassed, and stupid for making the 450-mile trip to New York. So I don't think my chances of matching there are very high either, although I'm going to keep them as my #2 choice despite that.
As for my #3 choice, I'm still struggling. I'm torn between Penn State Hershey vs. a smaller community program in Fairfax. Hershey is the better program of the two, but Fairfax is in a much better location and I have a couple friends who live in DC. Whereas I know nobody in Hershey and there's not much to do there besides the chocolate factory. So that leaves me with having to decide between program quality vs. location, which is a very very tough decision.
The prospect of having to leave Pittsburgh, where I've lived for the past almost 20 years, really breaks my heart and I wish I could go back in time and fix my mistakes to make myself a stronger candidate. But everything happens for a reason and whatever happens is part of God's plan. I'm not going to beg God to match me into any particular program. I'm going to be rational and make my list based on my choices, and the rest is up to fate. If I'm meant to stay here, I will. If I'm meant to go somewhere new, then that's what God has in store for me. I have less than a week to decide where exactly I want to go. All I hope is that God gives me the courage and strength to make the right decision and accept that I might have to leave my comfort zone.
