Life Updates

I know I haven’t updated in a couple days, but I had a few setbacks that I was dealing with.  I recently got my grade for my Acting Internship which I was really upset about. I tried so hard to get Honors, but of course I only ended up with a High Pass. I honestly don’t know what I could have done better. I tried my hardest, got along with my colleagues, did well with my patients, taught my medical students. I just don’t know why I always get the short end of the stick. I feel like people who try half as hard as me are able to get amazing grades, while I’m stuck busting my ass and not able to get more than a High Pass in anything. I thought maybe I could break the mold with my AI, but apparently not. This has really impacted my self esteem and self confidence and I feel like total shit. I’m in Indiana for my Family Medicine rotation and can barely focus. Finding out my disappointing grade just sucked the confidence and drive out of me.  I used to be so motivated, now I just feel like I’m useless. I spent yesterday and this morning feeling like crap, couldn’t focus on anything, and spent my drive into the clinic this morning shedding tears, feeling sorry for myself and for my family. It reminded me of the news articles I’m always reading about students in Ivy League schools giving up and committing suicide because they can never meet the cut. That’s exactly how I feel. I’m in such a competitive school where everybody is amazing, and I’m definitely below average. It’s a really shitty feeling.

Anyway, I’m planning on talking to my Pediatrics advisor about all this. He’s on vacation until August 9^th, so I have some time. Hopefully I can still get into an amazing program like CHP, but I have a feeling I’m going to have to settle for something in the mid-tier range. I have a list of programs made up, but I may have to expand it given my subpar Step 1 score and straight High Passes in clerkships, including my AI. I feel like such a disappointment to both myself and to my family, who are always supporting me and want the best for me. I tried so, so, so hard but the setbacks and disappointing results are just getting to me. The below average Step 1, the average clerkship grades, the lack of AOA or Gold Humanism society nominations. The 30lb weight gain. It’s all just not worth it. If I could go back, I’m not sure if I would have even chosen medicine. I’m almost done with this hassle, but still another year to go….I was hoping that fourth year was going to be fun, stress-free, and relaxing but so far it’s turning out to be a nightmare.