Reflections: When Friends Betray

I really wanted to sit down and write today. April has not been a good month so far. I've been dealing with a lot of stress and a series of bad things after bad things. Today was one of those days. I got deeply hurt by someone I considered to be a good friend. I have not been hurt this much since the end of my freshman year in college, when I heard that my roommate had been talking shit about me behind my back. That was a really rough time for me and sparked my depression back in sophomore year of college. This time, someone who I considered to be one of my good friends in medical school really, really hurt me deeply. I don't want to give someone like her more attention than they deserve on this blog, but suffice it to say that this girl really hurt me and made a mockery out of our friendship. In class today, she invited all of our good friends and acquaintances to wine night, and was eagerly talking about who else to invite with another girl. I was sitting right next to her and never received an invitation whilst they were talking about how half the class was going. Hell, she even invited my roommate and one of my best friends right in front of me, and never mentioned one word to me. And to top things off, she had the audacity to ask me to dinner at Whole Foods. What a fucking bitch.

I've come to learn that you have to forgive these sorts of things in life, and then move on from them. Even though she will still remain a friend, the level of trust, respect, and confidence I had in this person just shattered completely. I've been reading Maria Menounos's "EveryGirl's Guide to Life" book, and one of the things she talks about having a "Sunshine Committee" full of people who support you and encourage you positively, while avoiding vampires who drain your energy and emotions. I can definitely relate to that, and while I may not have a "Girl Squad" or that indispensable group of best friends, I'm very grateful to have a few cherished friends who have stuck with me over the years, respect me, and love me the way I am.

This incident made me reflect on my coping mechanisms. In the past, I would've immediately gone to the closest fast food chain and ordered a 3,000 calorie meal. Binge eating disorder really sucks, hah. I took a step back today and told myself I would not do that. I went to the gym this morning, and it would really suck to undo all that work. Even if I hadn't exercised, I still want to develop healthier coping mechanisms instead of binge eating every time I'm stressed. Instead of eating my feelings, I decided to decompress a little. I browsed the Internet, searching for articles on reacting to friends and loved ones who hurt you. Sure, I cried. I'm very emotional and try my best to be a good soul, and when someone breaks my trust and betrays me, I naturally get very upset. I then proceeded to make myself some comfort food that was within 500 calories -- I opted for one of my favorites, the Annie's Shells & Aged Cheese. Salty, but not too high in calories and fat. I then texted one of my best friends, who is incredibly kind, and set up a weekend lunch date with her. Hell, I even texted my friend and planned a trip to DC with her to see some of my other college friends. Surrounding yourself with positive people is very, very important when you're depressed. Another thing that helps me is writing. I'm not the best writer, but since I'm not a confrontational person and often avoid relaying my feelings to other people, blogging is a safe place where I can project my feelings without any repercussions. After I write, I may brew myself a cup of tea, take a hot shower, watch some Netflix, or drive somewhere. Shopping is a great remedy too, but not for a tight-budgeted girl like me! In the end, you have to remember that you have to forgive yourself and your friend, because that's the only way to move on. Life is a series of valuable lessons learned and how you react to tough situations. Everyone has been let down by friends before. I don't believe in keeping negative people in your life, but at the same time I don't think it's wise to build a wall around yourself and kick everyone out the second they jump the line.

Like I said, she will always be my friend that I will hangout with, write cards to, and heck maybe even visit sometime during residency. However, she will no longer be considered one of my good friends or trustworthy friends. Never again will I text her when I want to vent. Never again will I tell her intimate details about sensitive stuff in my life, like dating, my family, my health, etc. One rule I've come to learn is true is that people who talk smack on other people and friends in front of you definitely talk smack about you with other people. This girl definitely has talked shit about me behind my back, just like my college roommate did, which very very hurtful. Just like Maria's Sunshine Committee, I too have a set of wonderful best friends, family members, and colleagues who have been with me through thick and thin and continue to positively encourage me in their own way. It's important to stay close to these people and keep people who have hurt you at a safe distance. Is this going to change the way I interact with other friends and people? Of course not. I treat people the way I want to be treated and if other people cannot respect that, it's fine. The most important thing is to love yourself no matter what. Self-esteem is something nobody has the right to take away from you. I've learned over the last 25 years of my life that people don't define you. You define you. Don't let shit like this bring you down. It's not worth it.